About Envy

“Envy is the art of counting the other fellow's blessings instead of your own.” Harold Coffin


Jealousy and Envy

Envy Ruins Friendships

Controlling Others

Prevents Performance

Sabotages Job Success

General Dissatisfaction

Stops Personal Growth

Tips for overcoming envy

Next Month

Still Coming Soon

We're talking about envy. Are you an envious person? No? Maybe not, but being envious is also hard to admit because we rationalize the feeling away - we deny. So ask yourself, what if you and a friend have been buying lottery tickets for years and one day, your friend wins a windfall. You can honestly say, “Wow I’m so happy for you?” Yes, you can say it, but deep down inside, are you really that happy? You’re probably thinking, why him and not me?

Same with being passed over for a job promotion, or a friend getting married and you’re still single, with no prospects in the near future. Of course there’s some envy. Envy is a normal human emotion – but it can also be a self-destructive emotion and if you don’t catch yourself, it can out of control to such a point that it overpowers you.

The October topic of the month is ‘envy’.

Jealousy and envy

Jealousy and envy are not the same emotions, but they share a common theme. It’s been said that jealousy is the desire to keep what someone has, while envy is that desire to obtain what someone does not have. These emotions are closely related and equally destructive.

Envy Destroys Friendships

Envy can cause you to hate. An example: two women – best friends for years - have an ongoing weight problem. They’ve lost weight together, then put the pounds back on – and so on and so on. They commiserate about how much they want to lose weight, and complain about the junk food and fast food that their families want, prevent them from losing. Then one day they both enroll in a weight loss program. One changes her behavior. She stops buying junk food, eats well and loses the weight. The other continues the diet roller coaster.

But instead of being motivated by her friend’s success, this woman resents it, becoming 'green with envy'. Once they were best friends, now she stabs her behind her back – telling others how her friend has changed since she’s lost weight, how it’s gone to her head. Once they were inseparable, now they barely speak.

You can use this example with neighbors, siblings, careers – anything where you feel inferior.

Controlling others.

Envy can make you judgmental. Think second marriage here. She re-marries a financially successful man and invites another couple to meet her new husband. This couple knew the first husband and all the problems she had with him. Now she’s sure they’ll be thrilled to see how happy she is with this successful man. The couples meet, but the friends’ husband’s is uncomfortable with this new man. He doesn’t say that he’s envious though, what comes out of his mouth is ‘I hate wealthy snobs, I don’t want to have anything to do with him.’ It would be pretty hard for them to socialize as couples after that.

Prevents Performance

When you know that you can play a game (or an instrument, or whatever) and you’re competitive with another person in the group, you can become so envious of the their ability that you don’t focus on your own. Your envy prevents you from being the best you can be - or avoiding the situation entirely.

Sabotages Job Success

And how can envy sabotage your success on the job? Let’s take a look. Say you’ve been working side by side with a buddy at work and both of you are looking forward to a promotion. Well, she gets the promotion and you’re left behind. Not only that, but now this person becomes your boss.

Envy can make you so resentful that you refuse to work under this person. You may even resent the company so much that you quit and look for another job.

General Dissatisfaction.

Envious people always compare themselves with others. They don’t look at what they have, it’s about what they don’t have. They compare their children, their incomes, appearance, vacations you name it. How can you be satisfied with your life, if nothing is good enough?

Stops Personal Growth

When you feel envy, you’re looking at others, not at yourself. Instead of allowing your wounded ego to dominate, ask yourself why you’re envious. If it’s a job promotion, it’s a perfect opportunity to ask yourself how you can improve for the next opportunity.

Whatever the reason for envy, ask yourself how you can be better and take steps to do it.

Tips on overcoming envy

1) Don’t deny the feeling of envy – all of us have it..

2) Accept that the world doesn’t center on you.

3) Stop comparing yourself to others – you are unique.

4) Focus on what you have and consider yourself blessed. Others have less.

5) Remember - your friend’s good fortune is theirs. It has nothing to do with you.

At the end of the day, it’s all perception. You’re not a loser because someone else wins.

Learn to turn your thoughts around When you’re envious of others, stop and reconsider. Instead of looking at others, look within yourself. Recognizing that you're envious provides the perfect opportunity to ask yourself why, and develop your own personal growth.

Next Month

Topic next month will be on surviving a break-up/divorce. If you have a particular question or opinion on the subject or

if you have a question, comment or suggestion for future topics,

I'd love to hear from you.

Are you in the midst of a break-up and need advice? Just ask

Still Coming Soon

To answer your questions, we still have some glitches to iron out, but Recovery Coaching, Personal Coaching and Consultation will be available by phone on untwist-your-thinking.com. You’ll be able to purchase 1 or more hours and use the time in smaller increments – 15, 20, 30 minutes – until your time is used up. A great way to get help in the most cost effective fashion! I’ll keep you up to date.

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