Overcoming Envy“Envy is the art of counting the other fellow's blessings instead of your own.” Harold Coffin
Introduction Envy vs. Jealousy Envy Ruins Friendships Controlling Others Prevents Performance Sabotages Job Success General Dissatisfaction Stops Personal Growth Tips to Control Envy Next Month Still Coming Soon Are you an envious person? No? Maybe not, but being envious is also hard to admit. Envy is one of the feelings that we deny. So ask yourself, what if you and a friend have been buying lottery tickets for years and one day, your friend wins a windfall. You can say, “Wow I’m so happy for you” but deep down inside, are you really that happy? You’re thinking, I wish it was me? Same with being passed over for a job promotion, or a friend getting married and you’re still single, with no prospects in the near future. Of course there’s some envy. .Envy is a normal human emotion – but it can also be a self-destructive emotion and if you don’t catch yourself, it gets out of control. In case you haven’t already guessed, the October topic of the month is ‘envy’.
Jealousy and envy are not the same emotions, but they share a common theme. It’s been said that jealousy is the desire to keep what someone has, while envy is that desire to obtain what someone does not have. These emotions are closely related and equally destructive. Envy Destroys Friendships Envy can cause you to hate. This is a common example: two women – best friends for years - have an ongoing weight problem. They’ve lost weight together, then put the pounds back on – and so on and so on. They commiserate about how much they want to lose weight, and complain about the junk food and fast food that their husbands want, which are tempting and don’t allow them to lose. Then one day they both enroll in a weight loss program. One changes her behavior. She stops buying junk food and loses the weight. The other continues the diet rollercoaster. But instead of being motivated by her friend’s success, this woman resents it. Once they were best friends, now she finds faults with her. She stabs her behind her back – telling others how her friend has changed since she’s lost weight, how it’s gone to her head. Once they were inseparable, now they barely speak. You can use this example with neighbors, siblings, careers – anything where you feel inferior.
Controlling others. Envy can make your judgmental. Think second marriage here. She re-marries a financially successful man and invites another couple to meet her new husband. Everything seems OK. This couple knew the first husband and all the problems she had with him. Now she’s sure they’ll be thrilled to see how happy she is. The couples meet, but the friends’ husband’s is uncomfortable with the financial status of this new man. He doesn’t say that he’s envious though, what comes out of his mouth is ‘I hate wealthy snobs, I don’t want to have anything to do with him.’ It would be pretty hard for them to go out as couples after that.
Prevents Performance When you know that you can play a game (or an instrument, or whatever) and you’re competitive with another person, you can become so envious of the others persons ability that you don’t do as well as you usually do. Your envy prevents you from being the best you can be. Sabotages Job Success And how can envy sabotage your success on the job? Let’s take a look. Say you’ve been working side by side with a buddy at work and both of you are looking forward to a promotion. Well, she gets the promotion and you’re left behind. Not only that, but now this person becomes your boss. Envy can make you so resentful that you refuse to work under this person and you may even quit and look for another job.
General Dissatisfaction. Envious people always compare themselves with others. They don’t look at what they have, it’s all about what they don’t have. They compare their children, their incomes, appearance, vacations you name it. How can you be satisfied with what you have, if what you have is never good enough?
Stops Personal Growth When you feel envy, you’re looking at others, not at yourself. Instead of allowing your wounded ego to dominate ask yourself why you’re envious. If it’s a job promotion, it’s a perfect opportunity to ask yourself how you can improve for the next opportunity. Whatever the reason for envy, ask yourself how you can improve and take steps to do it.
Tips to Control Envy 1) Don’t deny the feeling of envy – all of us have it.. 2) Accept that the world doesn’t center on you. 3) Stop comparing yourself to others – you are unique. 4) Focus on what you have and consider yourself blessed. Others have less. 5) Remember - your friend’s good fortune is theirs. It has nothing to do with you. At the end of the day, it’s all perception. You’re not a loser because someone else gains. Learn to turn your thoughts around When you’re envious of others, stop and reconsider. Instead of looking at others, look within yourself. This is a perfect opportunity to develop your own personal growth.
Next Month Topic next month will be on surviving a break-up/divorce. If you have a particular question or opinion on the subject, I’d love to hear from you (Link)
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