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Always Need Approval? You'll Hate Yourself

And when you’ve said what you wanted to say, or done what you wanted to do – then comes the guilt.

Here are some tips to be OK -- even without approval.

1) Remember, you can’t control others--people talk, they gossip, you have no control of what they do or say. The important thing is you feel good about what you do.

2) Don’t argue or try to convince anyone that you’re right. Say how you feel, if they agree, fine -- of not, they're entitled and so are you.

3) Stop worrying about what others think. This is a taxing job and you never will know what another person thinks anyway.

4) Don’t think of yourself as selfish if you choose to go your own way. Sometimes it’s necessary to do things you don’t want to do – but if you’re doing it only for approval, it’s not sincere and you’ll resent it later.

5) Don’t let other people’s words or thoughts control you. It’s your life and you have to live it the way it suits you best. The important thing is that you have to be at peace with what you do and approve of what is right for you.

If you like and approve of yourself and your actions, there is no reason to worry if others approve and there’s certainly no reason to feel guilty you're entitled to be yourself

"Man cannot be comfortable without his own approval" --Mark Twain

Q & A

Q

I fell in love with a woman 3 years ago. She fell for me but was in the process of divorcing an alcoholic celebrity. She was 8 years sober. Their relationship was emotionally abusive and co- dependent both ways.

After a year into our relationship, she fell apart under the stress of trying to get this guy to agree to anything, etc. and she fell apart and began to drink. Not pretty. She went immediately into rehab. Another 4 months later, the guy was still working her and our relationship went South. She began to drink again, this time she went into seizures in my arms and I had to perform CPR -- I don't know what to do?

She wants to be sober very much, but reacts to anxiety by drinking.....if I walk away, I feel like I turned on the frail woman. If she dies, I will feel responsible for the death of the one woman I have loved..if I stay, I can't live with all the craziness of the process...my God, what to do?

Marc

A

As you know, this woman is an alcoholic who was involved in an abusive codependent relationship. She was not able to deal with the pressures in her life, so she dealt with her anxiety by going back to drinking.

You are not the cause of her relapse. After being sober for all these years, she should have had to tools to know what to do when she was in crisis.

Do not blame yourself. No one can make an alcoholic drink, but you also cannot save her. She has to save herself.

If she wants to stop drinking, tell her that she must get help -- go to AA meetings, get counseling, get out patient counseling from the rehab etc. She has a love/hate relationship with drinking.

She knows that you are there for her, so tell her that you love and care for her -- but only if she gets help. This might be the wake-up call that she needs. If not, you have to walk away from this insanity.

Al-Anon may also be a help to you. The members are all in similar situations and you may be helped by hearing what they have done and getting support. Setting your boundaries is the only thing you can do if you love an alcoholic. Unfortunately, you can do nothing else.

Just make sure you don't enable her I hope this information is helpful,

Bev

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From Need Approval to Stop Being Addicted

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