Tips To Measure A Healthy Relationship
"I love you, not for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you"
Were you brought up in a dysfunctional family or are you a
child of an alcoholic/addict
When you’re familiar with dysfunctional relationships, you have no experience with what a healthy relationship is and you can only imagine it.
A physically abusive relationship is evident. But what if there’s emotional or psychological abuse? This is harder to detect.
So, if you have no experience with healthy relationships, how do you know if you’re in one?
That’s the topic of the April newsletter: “ A Healthy Relationship -- How Do You Know?”
Safety: You should feel safe with your partner. Can you make mistakes without being told that ‘you’re stupid’ or judged? Can you be yourself without always being ‘on your best behavior’? You should always feel accepted and loved?
Friendship: It’s important that you are compatible with your partner. Is your partner a friend and an equal?
Fights: Arguments are normal, physical fights are not. Can you argue without name calling or dragging up the past. Do you fight fairly? Can you come to a compromise or does one of you always have to give in.
Respect: Ask yourself if you feel respected and valued in the relationship. Are you involved in opinions or made to feel that your opinions don’t matter?
Commitment: Are both of you committed to making the relationship work? Is the commitment one-sided? Do you feel that if you don’t do or say the ‘right thing’ the relationship will be in jeopardy? If you do, you’re being held hostage.
Partnership: A partnership requires give and take. There should be co-operation in /a healthy relationship. One person should not carry the entire load?
Abandonment: Are you threatened with abandonment, if you don’t do or say what the other wants? Sometimes abandonment comes with punishment – not picking up the phone, not talking for days, that type of thing….this is hurtful, abusive behavior.
Comparison: It is also hurtful to compare your partner with another person. You are indirectly telling your partner that he/she is not as good. This can be considered /abusive.
Apology: When a mistake is made, is there an apology? Are you forgiven or are will it resurface at a later date?
Love: Most of the time, you should be fond of each other. Ask yourself if this is basically a love match, or your merely tolerating each other.
1) Feel safe in the relationship
2) Be friends, not /codependents
3) Never fight physically – and no verbal abuse
4) Respect each other’s strengths and weaknesses
5) Both should be committed to making the relationship work
6) Cooperate with each other and share the load
7) Never punish with threats
8) Never compare your partner to others
9) Don’t hold grudges.
10) Appreciate each other.
If you find that your relationship /is abusive or does not measure up as healthy, don’t be alarmed. Awareness is the first step to
changing the way you're thinking.
Many of us believe that
and addiction go together – not so. You can enable anyone and here's an example. I hope this e-mail is helpful and my thanks to the author for her permission to publish it.
QMy eldest daughter says I enable the youngest one. She has been going through a lot of changes, no drugs or alcohol – I give her advice but I’ve never given her money or chauffeured her around, because she lives 400 miles away.
She is married and has 3 young children 5-6-7 years old. I have never had a close relationship with my own mother, but my youngest and I have always been very close. She calls me many times a day and this is where my eldest daughter says that I’m enabling her.
Because we live so far apart, I can’t keep going over to her house when she wants me, so we're on the phone. Am I enabling her?
A It's obvious that your daughter has her hands full, with three young children. There's nothing wrong with asking Mom for advice. However, her ultimate decision should be made with her husband -- not Mom.
When she asks you for advice, you should express your opinion. But ask her how she and her husband feels -- that type of thing. She should add her input.
This may not be a codependency issue, but she may be dependent on getting help from you. She has to learn to trust her own decisions as well as bounce off ideas with her husband. Because she's a married woman, speaking to her more than once a day is probably not necessary.
You may have been over-compensating for not having a close relationship with your own mother, but by loosening the reigns, the enabling behavior that your older daughter sees should disappear.
What’s New On The Site
Finally I got this interactive stuff done!! You can now ask me a question and have others benefit as well – and even comment on it.
It's easy. Just type and post
Rating your relationship? Do you need a tune-up?
If you or someone you know needs a consultation or has had a slip, coaching will help you.
For all other impulse control behaviors ex. compulsive eating, sex, computer addiction etc. Coaching is also an effective way to help you change. Try a free 30 minute session
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