Codependent relationship? Is There Hope Or Should I Walk Away

by Rosie
(Canada)

I am 48 years old woman and I am sitting here with a black eye.

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year. He has left me 3 times to go back to his ex-wife and left me this week-end, after giving me the black eye but came back on Sunday.

I let him come back after he said he was sorry. On the way home he told me he kissed one of our friends while he was away and when I confronted him again later, he told me he slept with her.

I am an intelligent good-looking woman and I don't know why I can't just tell him to hit the road. When I think of doing that I panic. I have been in many abusive relationships and KNOW it will get worse without help.

He says he will do anything to get me back and I told him at this point I can only be his friend. He is staying with me and went back to work.

I’m thinking that I can have him live with me, while we both get help and I don't think anything he does now can hurt me anymore. I know he won't get physical again for at least a few months and I would like to get help. I think maybe his insight might help me stop doing whatever I am doing to keep hooking up with these abusive men. Or maybe we can get back together...

I say I am intelligent and then I read this and wonder....

I guess I would like to know if there’s actually help for us (I know there is individually) but is there any hope for us as a couple?

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This is a typical codependency issue. You know that the relationship is abusive and bad for you, yet you get anxious when he's not in your life.

The question you have to ask yourself is why you want to keep him in the first place. He left you 3 times in a little more than a year, slept with your friend, beat you etc. then says 'I’m sorry'. He‘s nice for awhile and the abuse starts over again.

Most probably you ARE an intelligent person, but codependency has nothing to do with intelligence. This is an emotional issue and that’s what you have to work on. Codependency is like being addicted to a negative person.

This man is using you and knows he can do what he likes because you’ll take him back hoping that he'll change. He won’t. Right now, if you demand it, he’ll probably go for counseling to keep the peace and stay in the house, but it will be a waste of time and money.

Your boyfriend is an abuser and you should not be living with him. If he hasn’t learned what he’s been doing to you by now, no amount of ‘insight’ is going to make him change.

However, you can get help for yourself, learn to move on and develop healthier relationships in the future. I hope you get the help you need.

Good luck,

Bev