I'm A Food Addict

by Helen
(California, USA)

I turn 20 in 12 days. I wish I could turn back the clock -- hit the restart button on my life.

I never wanted it to be like this, sitting in my apartment on a Friday night anonymously confessing my addiction to food. I've tried to hide this for years, but I can’t hold it in any longer: I am addicted to food.

I can’t remember the last time I truly loved myself. I used to have something I called a "hate journal." It was a diary, but every entry was about how much I hated myself and how disgusting I was.

I threw it away recently, thinking that things would get better and that I could finally fix things once and for all. Needless to say I was wrong.

Here I am, about to become an adult, and I still hate myself. I have been so obsessed with self-hatred that I haven't bothered to figure out who I am as a person. I don't think I want to get to know who I am as a person, if I can’t be that "ideal thin" person I so yearn to be.

I don't know what to do anymore. The one thing I want so bad in life, I can’t achieve because of my compulsive overeating. Where do I go from here!!!

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