My Husband's Affair

by DP
(Irland)

My husband and I have been married for 20 yrs and have

known each other since high school (sweet hearts). However things
have been bad for the last 3 years, when he told me he had been meeting this girl in another city.

He travels on business and once a month for eight months, he’d meet her for sex.
He told me that he promised himself never to do it again but he’d end up calling her after a few drinks.

He said he felt horrible and wanted to tell me but was scared and she took advantage of his drinking and that it was her idea to go to bed with him in the first place.

He told me that he spoke to her about me and our family all the time, and at the end of 8 months he had to end to it. – he couldn’t take the lying anymore.

Before he met her, he was always a loving and caring husband and father, and continues to be one even today. But I’ve developed this huge block. It hurts me so much, I can’t even give him a hug.

He’s always crying and begging for forgiveness, and it’s painful to know that I’ve let him down. But I have been a wreck for over 2 years.

He tells me he’s sorry, says he wants to forget what happened 3 yrs ago. He tells me that we can never separate because he loves me too much, and he will not be able to live without me.

Everyone tells me that because he’s been honest, he deserves forgiveness.

Please help me. Why can’t I just forgive him and forget the past?


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Both you and your husband were high school sweet-hearts and have been
married for 20 years. During that time you developed intimacy and trust.

Although he promised never to do it again, when your husband confessed to the affair you found out that he betrayed you. You also feel that you’ve been played the fool by trusting him all this time.

He’d like you to ‘forgive and forget’, but once you’ve been betrayed, it takes time to build back trust. You have many questions that you need to be answered.

No matter what your husband tells you, there is also your feeling that had you provided what he needed in the first place, he never would have had an affair.
When your husband confessed his affair, it diminished your the feeling of self-worth.
You are very hurt. You can forgive him, but you can’t simply forget.

Now that this has happened, the two of you have to develop a new relationship, based on the pain that both of you are going through.

Get help as a couple, and if your husband refuses counseling, speak to someone to help you work though your feelings.

Once you’ve come to terms with your emotions and worked through them, you can still have a loving and trusting relationship. However, you can’t go back. If you chose to stay in this marriage, you have to put closure on the past to allow yourself to move on.

Bev