My Secret Eating

by PJ

I got up late and ate more than usual and then I chilled on the couch...and then I became more and more lazy. So I just told myself...”Ho ! It's OK. Just eat a little snack and you'll feel better” -- like a little voice or devilish side of myself is in this dark box and then... I eat, I eat the snack, and then go to the fridge and eat other stuff. I look in the pantry and find more to eat and I eat and eat .....until I can’t eat any more...and it's not funny at all because now I feel sick, but I don’t throw up. It always starts out OK, but then I become angry at myself....anger...disappointment...sadness…..and that keeps going on and on in my life...And of course I ask myself ‘Why am do I do this?”

Inside, really deeply I know the answer...But I’ve given up. When I stuff myself I don’t think of anything. I don’t even think that I’m destroying myself both mentally and physically. I have no energy and I’m too stuffed to think.

Well, I'm explaining all this, but you all are probably aware of what it’s like to be a food addict...But it’s important for me to write about it. This is the first time I’ve actually told my secret eating and it’s good because it gets me thinking.

And as I write this I realize how much time I waste stuffing myself with all this crap and then being so down on myself that I don’t feel like doing anything. I also realize that what I’m doing is not about my problems or my mother, it’s about me. Something inside of me is not complete. Quite frankly, I tried everything to stop stuffing myself, but nothing has worked. I feel depressed about that.

I have a lot of baggage and I took many wrong paths, but in the end, there are no wrong paths, just experiences...I have to remember that. And I also have to remember that I am strong and that I have handled a lot. Right now I want to stop pigging out, but I confess that sometimes, when I’m all alone I look forward to stuffing myself with all the food that is bad for me. It sucks but I feel a lot better now and I thank you.

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