33, Divorced, Co-dependent and Stuck

by Sally

I am 33 and was divorced about 2 years ago from a person I was involved with for 10 years.

My husband had a drinking problem. However he was high functioning, and he worked all the time. We met when we were both 21, and eventually after we accomplished a lot of our goals (house, car, career) we started to grow apart.

I got involved in an affair with a younger co-worker that was intensely sexual and reckless. This went on for a year before I told my husband what was going on. Within two months we separated and sold our house.

I broke it off with the other guy, and went into a personal tail spin. I was drinking heavily and participating in other reckless behaviors. I did not think I could survive the loss my marriage and house and the other guy - and I did not want to live.

Since then, the other guy and I have been in a 3 year co-dependent nightmare. I desperately wanted to feel wanted and was so incredibly low that I allowed myself to be treated like dirt, in order to at least have someone in my life.

He would basically toss me around like a cat playing with a mouse. When I would try to stand up for myself, or spend time with friends or loved ones, he would accuse me of not caring about him and that I was a lying worthless person. Then I would plunge myself into guilt over hurting him. He would I was self absorbed and insensitive. I would get pulled back in every time.

Eventually, he convinced me to allow him to move in temporarily so he could get away from an unhealthy living situation. I agreed, against my better judgment, because I was so lonely and wanted company.

Another year has gone by, and although there have been some good moments, he will not talk to me about the relationship at all -- accusing me of being a nag . I would tell him to move out if he confesses to me that he is unhappy and has no feelings for me anymore. All I ever feel in this relationship is a disappointment and that I am being taken advantage of.

He refuses to buy groceries, clean or cook as I make more money and he is miserable living in my house (because it is my house not his or ours) and that none of those things are a priority for him.

I have a lot of things going on in my life and he is either jealous, making fun of me or ignoring me altogether. I am scared of being alone, and still trying to accept that my marriage is OVER and that everything I worked for and cared about is gone.

I don't know how to end this situation, he won't leave my house and it is hard for me to not want to drink in order to deal with the pain of everything that has happened.

I feel completely worthless most of the time as I hurt the one person I loved and cared for deeply (my husband). My family will not accept my current relationship, so my relationship with them has become strained. (I have had to hide that he lives in my house from my parents).

I have been to CODA meetings and am currently in therapy. Can anyone offer some advice?
Thanks.