A Relationship With a Pill Addict

by N
(Florida, USA)

I have been in a ten year relationship where the first 5 years we did all kinds of drugs together, alcohol, coke, weed, mushrooms, pills, meth, ecstasy, you name it.

We were in our early 20's. Now in our 30's, he continues to use while I live sober. We were supposed to get married in 2005 and it was called off by him, because at that point he lost control of his oxycotton addiction and had interest in other women. When I mean lose control -- he would steal money from work, inject, and spend ALL his money on pills.

We broke up and he moved a couple of states away. We kept in contact and about a year later he's moving back. By this point I sobered up, quit all drugs and he was supposed to have sobered up too. Well, since he's moved back , I have busted him about every year with methadone, roxy, any pain pill he could get.

I have threatened to leave him soooo many times and never followed through. He even did an outpatient rehab that he admitted to and laughed about using and testing clean there. I attended every "bring your family" day at the rehab. At that time, I was pregnant and thought that the baby would make him see the light.

Now, two years after the rehab, after the birth, after all the threats that this is the last chance, after the lies, after everything....I bust him again. I found residue on our son’s bathroom counter top. He said that he doesn't do it every day and he doesn’t see anything wrong with doing it occasionally. My heart is so calloused after the 6 years of trying to fight this fight, that at this point that I did not shed one tear. I'm done and have run out of patience.

But......just the other night, I start to think that I can still change him and was planning on staying in a relationship with him. Going to work this thing out. I love him to death and I feel like we were meant to be together forever. I'm joined to him chemically. I really, really want to be with him but a sober, clean him. I'm so torn because I feel he can never achieve being sober.

We own a house that we are barely making payment on and upside down in our mortgage. So selling is going to take a long time. He definitely has no where to go here. He could go back north but doesn't want to leave here because of his son. He could never afford a place of his own.

I can go to my parents but it's small and crowded as is in their house -no where for me and my son to sleep there. My problem is the way I feel about him. If I stay in that house I'm afraid to get closer to him. I want to push him away but it's hard when he is still living under the same roof.

Am I wrong for not letting him stay home alone with our son while I am at work?
Thank you for letting me share my long story. I need to get it off my chest.