A sweet and smart chunky girl

by Nera
(Los Angeles )

I am 28yrs old I am an illegal immigrant in the US. I moved here 8 years ago, with the hope of freedom from my macho family. I wanted to prove to them that I was able to live just fine with out them and their ideas.

Because I was free, I started going out and met new friends. I never used to drink because I am a responsible and a good girl. One Christmas an uncle offered me drugs and I refused, and was so proud. I never wanted to do drugs.

Then I started having boyfriends and it was so easy for me to be codependent because I’m alone.

I couldn't afford things, so I would to go to the store and shoplift small stuff like earring and rings and maybe a blouse, but that was all!!!

I stared dating a guy and then I found out he cheated on me and he started to be abusive. I tried everything to save our relationship, but it didn't work. I spent 4years of my life with him.

Soon after I started dating the most kind man in the wide world. I love him so much and he is US citizen. But I had not seen my mom for 5 years so I decided to go back to Mexico. I was nervous that if I go I would not be able to get back to the US but my uncle’s daughter told my mom that she would sell me her ID for $3000 and I gave her the money, got a passport and got back.

Her daughters use drugs. They were so nice and slim and they were using speed, not just marijuana. I have been chunky all my life. I tried everything, but nothing worked. I was still chunky, so I started using speed and it’s been 2 years and I am a lot thinner.

I thought I looked beautiful and I thought my drug problem was under control, until I lost my job. Then I started using double the speed all through the day and now I want to do things right. I want to stop using speed and find my way out of this illegal status. I feel so lost. My bf doesn’t know I do speed and he wants to marry me, but I am so deep in this hole, between my legal status and being jobless.

Every time I say that I’ll quit, something happens and I can’t quit. It’s crossed my mind to be an escort because of the money. I know it’s, not me, it’s the influence of the drug, that makes me think of this stuff. I feel like showing up at the police station and telling them my story and going to jail and stop worrying about everything as well as get ting deeper into addiction.

I am not a bad person and I don’t want to put my bf in trouble like this. He is a great man and a great person. Please help.