Am I An Alcoholic?

by Mary
(Ireland)

I go out about twice a month drinking. I drink about seven or eight vodka and cokes, making sure to get as much drink as possible before the bar closes. I then go home, sometimes taking random people with me. I have had some sexual encounters and made some stupid choices when drinking. I joke with people, that I am a night owl as an excuse to keep drinking -- sometimes to 9 the next morning. I have started worrying about the hangover before I even touch a drop, sometimes to the detriment of having a good time.

It is strange that I choose to drink despite this obsessive worry. I try to sleep, but can't after a session of drinking. I feel ashamed, guilty and sluttish -- worthless and suicidal the day after drinking and feel very alone. I have started making myself sick the next morning, and cry and just feel like dying.

This morning, I got so scared to go to sleep upstairs, in case I would inadvertently throw myself out the window in my sleep. I don't want to talk to anyone, not family or friends after a night out. I isolate myself and feel like other people are living out there, in the normal world and I am living on a different planet.

I woke up today thinking and admitting to myself, I have a problem. I feel utterly depressed. When I look back at my life I have been, an extremely heavy drinker. I continually use the excuse that I don't drink as much, as I used to and therefore have this under control.

I used to drink at college to block a social anxiety disorder. I drank 2 bottles of wine a night -- nearly every night. I thought that since I only go out only a few nights a month, I was in control of alcohol. I think I may be able to go off it and felt empowered this morning when I said to my friend "I have had enough. This alcohol has become a problem and I can't cope with life much longer if I keep drinking." I cannot honestly say whether I would find it difficult to stop drinking completely.