Can't Get Her Out Of My Head

by Zack
(USA)

I have been sober for over 15 years and come from an alcoholic and abusive family. My mother died very young and I have seen some good family members suffer and die young due to the stress of living in these conditions. I have taken my recovery very seriously and proud of my new direction. I avoid most of my family. Anyway, I met a lady about 10 months ago in a family of origin program. We connected and she is quite a sensitive and compassionate person. We dated a few times and on one occasion she was drunk when I picked her up it and she was crying. She was afraid I wouldn't like her because she drank.

We went out anyway, but she drank quite a bit of wine.

We had plans to go out one afternoon and I met her in her apartment. It was about 3:00 and she kept going in and out of the kitchen and eventually began to slur her words and behaved like I wasn't there. When she noticed me, she told me to leave in foul language. Her behavior really shocked me. I practically ran out of her home and she called the next day but I didn't answer. I did not contact her for 2 weeks and met with her to confront her about her problem. She cried a lot and apologized.

Since I didn’t like her drinking our relationship changed significantly. I tried to meet for breakfast when she wasn't drinking but she always ditched me after 2 hours or so to go to drink with her friends. I stopped seeing her again and again but she keeps calling me, saying she cares and wants to change. She doesn’t. She keeps ditching me or sneaks to her neighbor’s to drink while I am in her apartment, even when I’m there.

I never call her after 1 or 2 pm because I know she is drunk. But when I go back with her she never takes the steps to get the help that she promises. I can tell in her one way she cares about me, but it is so hard for me to see someone drink at this level. When she feels she has me back, she drinks again and defends it and asks why I care. What’s my problem? It seems the longer I stay with her the more she tries to get me to accept her drinking, which I won't. It’s too mentally difficult for me.

I care for her and can see a nice person under but she reminds me of my brother.

I am in a support group and of course they want me to be tough and not answer her calls. I spoke to her 2 weeks ago, after not speaking for a couple of weeks and she told me I was neurotic about her drinking and it was none of my business. I told her if she cared about me and continued to drink not to call me anymore.

If she ever decided to quit, I would be her friend and support her. I told her I didn't want to be in such a relationship, but when she has me on the phone I can’t get her off. She plays with my emotions to keep me. She claimed I was giving her an ultimatum and I was. I won't call her, but I don't like going back and forth with her over drinking.

It is very difficult for me, as I am caring and see her nice qualities. I think many recovering alcoholics like myself really have been hurt or didn't have the proper environment to heal or grow in. I recently watched the movie of Lois and Bill Wilson and it was many years before he stopped. I also have known other people who’d rather drink than be responsible to their friends. I have ended many relationships with such people.

It has been over 2 weeks now. I am hurt but will go through the pain and move on. I think she may try to call again and I worry about her. I wish I could reach her. Why did I fall in love with such a person who cannot really love me back? One minute she agrees with me the next she argues with me. Why is she calling me? I told her I said and shared as much as I could about the disease. She is responsible for herself. I don't love everyone why her? Everyone is telling me to run. I think she may have friends who enable her and tell her it’s her life and if she likes to drink its not my business. She calls and says they are addicts as well. Sorry for dragging on.

I have developed leukemia. I am certain the stress in my life contributed to this as well as the way I treated myself in the past. I feel better about myself now. I keep growing and learning. I would really like to have a nice lady in my life that understands me. She may not call again as I was tough last time. I am mostly acting as if, but really I care. I read as well and they say love is not enough sometimes.

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Apr 05, 2012
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Good Call
by: Anonymous

Hi there,

It’s a sad love story -- the woman you love, loves the alcohol more than the relationship. But it’s not all her fault. The addiction has a tight grip around her throat, so her weakness makes her give in to it rather than suffer.

Too bad she's not addicted to you. She's obviously not ready to give up, and by right, you’re not willing to wait around and waste your breath until she does -- that's if she ever gives up. You’ve done the right thing by sticking to your morals and keeping your word. Otherwise she might drag you right back into the hell you fought so hard to get out of.
I hope you get better very soon.
You’re a good Man

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