Codepenancy, Fear, Abuse, Addiction and Depression.

by MB
(United Kingdom)

I am a 43 year old man (though I feel like a frightened child).

My parents are 67 and 70. My mother was badly abused as a child this abuse was taken out on me and everyone else in the immediate family -- Dad, older sister, and younger brother. My mum also loved us -- especially me -- professing love with tears, neediness, smothering, controlling and fear. This is only half the story.

My mum on is on prescription drugs, has food addiction and has made suicide attempts. My father is addicted to TV. He is a highly critical perfectionist, angry and filled with rage. He bullies me -- always defending, protecting my mum, denying there’s a problem
As a consequence, as a child I suffered extreme fear -- night terrors-frightened of everything and everyone, clinging to my mother. I cut off my feelings early on. I’m still so afraid of feeling. I live like a recluse and drink.

I had been sober for 4 months with one slip but I became so afraid and unable to cope on my own (I always knew something was very wrong with me and my family).

I moved back to my parents. My 33year old brother still lives with them and has ruined their lives. He’s continually lying, begging them to give him money because loan sharks were threatening his life as well as his families. They’ve now lost everything they’ve worked for. The house will be taken from them.

A codependent family is so dreadful I’m on anti-depressants, non-addictive tranquilizers, have been in AA, in day centers, and psych hospitals. I’m still staying with my parents. I saw a psychologist today. I’m going to get a key worker and a test for PTSD. I don’t see a way out-- only care in the community. I’m too scared to change on my own.

I know its my life. I’m full of self-pity. I want to stay the same, but be able to cope.

Help!! It’s not fair. I know that’s pathetic. There are people worse off but that doesn’t touch me when I feel so desperate. I’m scared of myself. I suppose. I’ve been this way for a long time.

I’m so frightened, even of children playing outside --I feel so vulnerable, ill equipped for life. I’ve always hidden – emotionally and physically.

As a child, I didn’t choose that. It was a reaction--a way of coping, so now what??