Co-dependancy

by Cecilia
(Preston, Lancashire, United Kingdom)

I think I’m co-dependant.


I was married to someone who had a porn addiction and also had a couple of affairs over our twenty years of marriage. I think my husband has problems emotionally connecting. He was contracted away from home a lot and rejected me most of the time in bed, when he was home on weekends. The more I tried to connect to him the more he seemed to pull away. I do love him a lot.

Because he was self-employed and earning enough, I never went back to work full time. He could be so kind and gentle, but got very angry at times, especially after I found out about his addiction 4 yrs ago.

He never became totally transparent, when he said he wanted to stay in the marriage. This didn't help me, as it made me question his whereabouts. Then because he continued to tell half truths a lot of the time I found it hard to establish trust again.

When we argued, he would disconnect for a whole day and not just take some time out to calm down and try to reach a compromise. If I asked him a question he wouldn’t give me a specific answer and hardly ever made eye contact, which I told him made me think he was lying. He also had an emotional affair at work. He told me he loved me but was not in love with me anymore.

Instead of working on my emotions and trying to deal with this trauma, I spent more time trying to help him. He would agree to the resources that I found, Cando, being one of them, but he never really put a lot of time into the program.

I was angry a lot and I understand that this wouldn't have made him feel safe enough to open up about his addiction, but even when I tried to talk from my heart, he would disconnect and withdraw.

We resumed having sex in the bedroom but still got into a vicious circle of arguments, eventually leading us to fighting. I would be the one who mostly attacked him. I was so frustrated with him connecting and then disconnecting over and over again. At times it felt like he was doing this on purpose, to gain control over the situation.

We split up 8 weeks ago and I have missed him so much. He still provides for me and my son and I have to contact him at times, because we have a lot to sort out concerning the separation. However, I miss him so much and can’t remain focused on myself more than on him. At times this drives me crazy and I’ve texted him a lot asking for his support. Sometimes he gives it and other times he turns off his mobile, which makes me want to get in touch with him even more.

I wake up each morning and I’m a nervous wreck, shaking and wishing he was back home with me again. This feels worse than the rows we used to have, because I am so alone and I also worry about my financial future because of mistrust. I feel so useless and my self esteem is very low. Some days I don't even want to go out of the house.

I would be grateful for any advice anyone can give regarding this matter. I don’t know how much more I can take.


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Apr 05, 2012
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Everything will be alright.
by: Rita Y

Hi Celia,
I hope you're feeling a bit better now.

Just remember this, everything gets better with time. Life works itself out, so hang in there and go through these emotions with inner strength.

One day you'll wake up and think to yourself "I feel good today, I'm not hurting anymore"...

Also try to get close with your family and friends or anyone who cares, even a neighbor. Speak out your worries and in no time your mind will adapt to the situation. Only good things can happen to you from now on.

I wish you all the best Celia,


Apr 25, 2011
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Hi Rihanna
by: celia

I have split with my husband after a 20year marriage. My heart goes out to you. I do hope I can get through this on my own. I'm on anti- depressants at the moment and my doctor says if I don't feel any better in 3 months, he will refer me to see someone.

On first splitting up, I would wake up in the middle of the night with withdrawal symptoms, terrible headaches, and just wanting to reconnect and phone him up all the time. But after about a month things did get a little easier.

Sometimes I give in and contact him. We are in the middle of sorting the house out, so we can put it up for sale, so I am having contact with him on weekends.

If I feel really bad though, I try and remember how bad it felt during those first few weeks, and I never want to feel like that again. I tell my conscious mind that I am not going to be dragged back into hell again, and into that really bad place.

It helps to take control over the situation -- being consciously aware of what is really going on inside your head. They are just feelings and emotions and fear of being alone. It's horrible but you need to try and refocus your mind on something else.

Meditation helps a little, doing something around the house and listening to music helps me a lot. It won't cure it, but it does help.

I am 58yrs old and don't know what I'm going to do with my life. I am dependent on my ex husband financially at the moment. He has his own business and earns enough to be able to do this for me, but I cannot depend on him forever.

He has abandoned me emotionally. His addiction will always come first in his life, even though he will never admit it. I always felt that once our son grew up he would abandon our relationship.

I wish I'd taken note of my intuition sooner whilst I still had time to get on with my life. So you see yes, I am OK at the moment, but my fear now is financial abandonment as well.

Love is only a feeling, tell yourself that. Real love doesn't hurt. It is caring about others, not using them and leaching off their emotions. It's not good to think too much about the future because it hasn't happened yet and staying stuck in the past is no good because it's gone.

I know that it's hard, but you need to start re-programing your mind and not let this illness drive you crazy. It feels like I'm sinking a lot of the time instead of swimming, but I am determined to fight this thing and not let it put me in the nut house.

I know it's hard but you have to let him go. You never know, things might just start to happen for both of us then. If you want to stay in touch it's OK with me. I'll always reply. Good luck and keep :)through your pain and I'm sure things will work out.

Apr 19, 2011
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thanx Riyana
by: Celia

Thanx for your advice. How are you doing? Have you joined any co dependancy groups? I would like to keep in touch with you ocassionaly if your interested. There are no groups near to where i live and i wondered if having a buddy might help.It's ok if your not interested but let me knoweither way. thanx. Keep smiling :)

Mar 05, 2011
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Codependency advice
by: Rianna

I have gone to CODA groups and I've learned that I'm the one with the problem. I can't leave my boyfriend, and I know he's had affairs, drinks and does drugs and comes back to me when he needs somebody.

I've tried to fix him, and help him 1000s of times. I've moved, changed jobs but it's the same story. I call him and we get back together. This last break up I hope will be the last. I'm in therapy to break this co-dependancy, because he hurts me so much. I know I shouldn't go back to him ever, ever, because he's not worth it, but it's just so hard not to have him in my life.

I suggest that you get help to let go and move on

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