Co-dependancy

by Cecilia
(Preston, Lancashire, United Kingdom)

I think I’m co-dependant.

I was married to someone who had a porn addiction and also had a couple of affairs over our twenty years of marriage. I think my husband has problems emotionally connecting. He was contracted away from home a lot and rejected me most of the time in bed, when he was home on weekends. The more I tried to connect to him the more he seemed to pull away. I do love him a lot.

Because he was self-employed and earning enough, I never went back to work full time. He could be so kind and gentle, but got very angry at times, especially after I found out about his addiction 4 yrs ago.

He never became totally transparent, when he said he wanted to stay in the marriage. This didn't help me, as it made me question his whereabouts. Then because he continued to tell half truths a lot of the time I found it hard to establish trust again.

When we argued, he would disconnect for a whole day and not just take some time out to calm down and try to reach a compromise. If I asked him a question he wouldn’t give me a specific answer and hardly ever made eye contact, which I told him made me think he was lying. He also had an emotional affair at work. He told me he loved me but was not in love with me anymore.

Instead of working on my emotions and trying to deal with this trauma, I spent more time trying to help him. He would agree to the resources that I found, Cando, being one of them, but he never really put a lot of time into the program.

I was angry a lot and I understand that this wouldn't have made him feel safe enough to open up about his addiction, but even when I tried to talk from my heart, he would disconnect and withdraw.

We resumed having sex in the bedroom but still got into a vicious circle of arguments, eventually leading us to fighting. I would be the one who mostly attacked him. I was so frustrated with him connecting and then disconnecting over and over again. At times it felt like he was doing this on purpose, to gain control over the situation.

We split up 8 weeks ago and I have missed him so much. He still provides for me and my son and I have to contact him at times, because we have a lot to sort out concerning the separation. However, I miss him so much and can’t remain focused on myself more than on him. At times this drives me crazy and I’ve texted him a lot asking for his support. Sometimes he gives it and other times he turns off his mobile, which makes me want to get in touch with him even more.

I wake up each morning and I’m a nervous wreck, shaking and wishing he was back home with me again. This feels worse than the rows we used to have, because I am so alone and I also worry about my financial future because of mistrust. I feel so useless and my self esteem is very low. Some days I don't even want to go out of the house.

I would be grateful for any advice anyone can give regarding this matter. I don’t know how much more I can take.