Codependent To A Narcissist
I was married to a man with a narcissist personality disorder. He left me 5 years ago for a woman he was cheating on with me. I found out later he had been cheating for at least the 5 years, before that with other women.
During these last 5 years, while being with the other woman, and with no evidence of change. Some months ago she found out he was cheating on her and they broke up. He stepped up his campaign with me.
I feel addicted to this man. When he doesn’t want me, I feel like I cannot breathe or live. I go into a deep depression and I am unable to find any joy in anything except our children. For this reason I am overly dependent on their affection and I am emotionally draining on them, and on everyone that knows me.
I know that there is no logic to my deep longing for him, given all that he has done to me. Yet, I also see that in this very disordered man is a lost little boy, desperate to be loved too. Hence we both need each other, yet are unable to give what the other needs.
Everyone says to me, that I must find my own inner happiness and stop trying to get it from others. I know this is right and I try and try, but I am constantly losing the battle. I feel like I am fighting for my life.
If I did not have kids I believe that I would have killed myself a long time ago because I simply find that life is too hard. Yet how selfish that is. I have beautiful kids, great friends, a good job and a home. Why can I not appreciate these things and feel joy without him?
I am suffering massive anxiety at the moment as he is in his withdrawal phase. I feel like I will die from anxiety. My heart feels like it will stop.