Help I'm Sooo Confused!

by Tess
(NSW Australia)

I'm a dependent cigarette smoker, marijuana smoker and crystal meth smoker.

I also recently discovered I'm a gambling addict and even though I'm 5"5 and weight 50kg I think I'm sort of fat. So I’m guessing I also have an eating disorder.

I'm 21 and work hard. I work hard so I can pay my addictions. I also have a shopping problem, so I'm always broke even though I make about US$90,000 . And live at home with mum- no rent. I have $4 in my bank account, got paid $3,600 on the 15/09/2011.. Where did it go???

What's hard is people see me as inspiring. Women want me to see their sons. Others think I'm stuck up. Others say I'm so beyond my years and I'm so mature for my age. I get told I'm confident and then by others I'm terribly insecure. Not many know the real me and wouldn't believe it. Some would not be so surprised... Some are jealous because they couldn't do what I do. It's like I'm focused and well kempt and successful but yet I'm an abuser of so many things.

I'm a liar.. but usually to the people I love most. People want to get close to me and I've watched so many people crumble under the pressure. But I don't... I know I will but it's as if I can handle it more than others - except for the gambling.

My shopping addiction is getting jeopardized and it's making things harder. Everywhere I go I get stared at. Someone always has to say something or approach me while I'm minding my own business. It's unbelievable. Some of my friends love it, others leave me be because of it. Especially guys. I get told I'm asking for it. I'm not... I just ignore it.

My life is crazy but yet I feel so disconnected. I have so much interest in religion and God. I think peace is only in connecting with God - The Creator. But I can't even do that. I was Christian but now I consider myself Muslim. Although I don't believe in the Hajab.. I feel it's a man-made obligation. Feminist? I am white Australian (girl or woman?) with blonde hair and blue eyes.. It's like who the fuck am I? My mind is erupting