I Hate This Addiction

by Jeff
(USA)

My brain is taking over my life. I’m sad, I’m alone and I’m stoned. Sometimes I think of killing myself. Why am I so depressed? Why am I so dramatic?!? I don’t feel normal, but I know I won’t kill myself. I have to believe in me and I’m pissed off at all the stupid things I did.

I guess I’m weak. Hasn’t my wife been through enough? We can’t start having a family until I rid myself of this evil. I have no control over myself and it’s always the same story. I’m so sick of this story, I cannot even write what happened.

Right now, I’m fucken depressed!! So depressed that instead of enjoying my day off, I have so much anger. I’m getting unstoned as I’m writing all this, and that’s a good thing.

I can’t handle drinking or smoking, yet I love both. Isn’t that a drag? My body is hurting from the drinking and drugs. I can’t handle it like I used to. The alcoholic inside me is an animal – not like in my younger days – not happy, not fun – bad, mad and soooooo tired. My head is wobbling, my ears are buzzing and my eyes are twitching. Yesterday was awful. It was the worst day of my life. I feel like just giving up. I hurt and for no reason at all.

When I think of what I put my wife through, I wish I just never even thought of cigarettes, liquor, drugs. But I can’t go back.

Every day is a struggle. Every workday is longer and every weekend is shorter. Yesterday, all I remember is drinking extremely, mixing and drinking and pissing and then there’s this clear image of embarrassment. I have rage, towards myself for doing such awful things -- then the pain, physical, psychological. I’m so fed up with the pain.

I’ll get over it and tomorrow will be a new day. Thanks for hearing me out.