Is There Anything Good About Me?

by Jordan Lafontaine
(Schenectady N.Y.)

What’s up!!

I’m an 18 yr old collage student. I dropped out of high school two years ago and feel like my family looks down on me for it. But on top of that, I got into drugs. That was the main reason I dropped out.

My drug of choice –well, choices are E and coke. I was a pill fiend for 2 years, and dropping hits of acid in between. I feel like drugs have a hold of my life. Any income I have goes to the next fix.

I stopped popping E because it was becoming a real problem. I sold my personal things, like a crack-head, for my next pill. I started just popping one or two at a time then 3 or 4 then 6 or 8 then I was doing 13 -- on average 4 out of the 7 days a week. I blew a 10,000 dollars bond stole from my mom and grandparents. I regret every moment of it, but no matter how much I say I’m done with drugs, I always seem to find them, or they find me.

I have a weak mind, but I’m trying to work on it. I hate how I wake up not happy -- till I take a bong hit, then think about how I can get fucked up on that day. Acid really did a toll on me. I have a totally different outlook on life and my anxiety is off the wall. I get deep into thoughts and feel like a little boy.

I used to be an athlete. I was good too -- always first string, All Star team -- first pick. I feel like I had so much going for me and I just screwed it all up. Now I’m just a junkie, who relies on his next fix to feel happy. Being an attic hurts. it takes a toll on me emotionally and physically.

I never thought I’d do a line of blow, but did and of course loved it, but don’t feel for it like I do on a comedown of rolling. I stopped pills because people noticed the way I was acting . I lost 20 pounds and was just running on E for 2 years -- a drug binge with no stopping me. Now, I know people out there have real problems and I’m just some kid doing some drugs, but I don’t feel like I’m me anymore.

I don’t know what to do or who to talk to. That’s why I’m just spilling myself on this and probably nobody will read it. But if anyone does and has any suggestions for me that would be awesome.

I know that you can’t change unless you want to, but I only feel happy when I’m high. I remember feeling happy when I was in center-field playing ball. I don’t know, I really just hope the day comes that I just say no. I need self control, but really don’t know how to have any. I like the high. I like not feeling my body and not giving a fuck about anybody, but that’s no way to live. I don’t want to die young. I’m scared for my life sometimes. Because when I do something, I do it 110% .

When I drink -- every time I drink, I drink myself to oblivion and blackout, waking up not knowing how I got in my bed. When I do coke I do a gram to the head. At least I mean I’m no Charlie Sheen but its still not needed .

When I trip I go hard, usually 5 tabs by the time -- most I’ve ever done was 15. That does a toll on your brain no doubt. Here and there I pop a Xanax. My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her bipolar pills just to get high. I stole her my grandmas Promethxine with Robatussin and she need that shit for her cough. It got worse and she got sick. It was because of me being a fiend. I don’t know what to do. I feel nuts.