Multiple Addictions -- Tired Of A Life Of Fighting)

by Shari S.
(Butler,Pa.USA)

I will begin by first saying that I was diagnosed with mental illness many years ago.(major clinical depression, borderline personality disorder, bi-polar, and most recently,OCD) Somewhere in the midst of the treatment of those, I decided to supplement their medication by self medicating with a combination of drugs and alcohol, and before I knew it, years down the road,I was brought to my knees, and had no qualms about admitting that I was a full blown addict, and I COULD NOT stop drinking or drugging without help.

Fast forward to being clean and a regular member of Narcotics Anonymous for 7 months. I trusted my sponsor with my life. She was like a mother to me. Long story short: We were at a conference at which time she so easily tricked me into the motel room of a "trusted servant" with 17 years clean, and I was subsequently raped by both of them.

Moving forward, I stayed quiet for a while, and somehow I have managed to stay clean.....HOWEVER...My dear husband just bailed me out of jail last week after I spent 12 horrible days there after catching my THIRD case for Retail Theft (a Felony in my State)since I got clean(On June5, I will have 2 years clean if I make it. I am so full of shame and embarrassment).

Can you tell me what in the world would even possess me to try it a 2nd time let alone a THIRD?!?!?!?!?!after being caught ONCE,and NEVER having been in jail in my life?????? So hate me, which has easily led me back to the comfort of my old buddies....my razor blades.I had forgotten what cutting had done for me in the past, and I won’t go into those feelings because I am not sure who may see this and I sure don’t want to trigger anyone else.

Last,but not least,I have returned to throwing up after every meal, which really does nothing for me as far as a feel good goes. It just helps as far as not feeling so bad if I don't! Before I got caught this last case for shoplifting, I was screaming for help, but nobody seemed to know where to send me.

Now,though I really don’t know if there is a prayer for me. I CANNOT go back to jail, and I'm not sure yet what I'm facing. I am now 49 years old, and I just don't have it in me anymore. I'm tired. I give up. I mean it just seems like if I fix one thing, there's j many more looming around the corner at me? It's not really that I want to die. I just don't want to live anymore!! I wasn’t really going there when I started this. It's just where I went. Sorry, Thanks for reading.

Please do let me know if there are any Shoplifting Addict programs in my area?