My Relationship Hell
I've been in a "relationship" with a man for seven years now and it's brought me down to a level I never thought I'd accept.
He's got such a hold over me that every time I try to break things off, he comes back and gives me the whole "I can't be without you" bit and I wind up right back where I left off ---but feeling even lower than before. I'm so angry with myself. I feel so lost and that I don't even know who I am anymore. I've wasted the prime years of my life on him. (I so wanted to be a mother and now the time has likely passed.)
I have allowed him to string me along with the hopes of marriage for all these years...and over that time, I've managed to convert to another religion, lose/alienate several long-time close friends, accept lie after lie from him (being engaged to someone else in another country, being twice-divorced and parent to a child out-of-state), get blown off constantly by him, so that he can hang out with his friends, get emotionally attacked every time I try to stand up for myself and so much more. Uggh.
It makes me sick to think of all the crap I've allowed in this relationship. He's compartmentalized his life and now I've gotten to doing the same thing by association. It makes me feel so messed up! I keep things from my friends and family because I know he'll freak out if he finds out and because I'm so ashamed of the mess I've gotten myself into.
I almost feel like I'm leading multiple lives, because the picture I paint is based on whatever situation I'm in and who I'm with. It's all based on what he finds acceptable.
I'm an educated, very attractive (or so people tell me), grounded (up until I met him) individual who never would stand for keeping someone like this in my life, but I find myself unable to leave permanently.
Basically, I have no support system left around me - two friends left where I live and my family lives 2,000 miles away. I feel trapped and alone and pathetic. I often fantasize about ending it all because the pain, confusion and despair is overwhelming and I don't see another way out. I wish I had someone to talk to that has been down a similar path as me and come out healed and healthy.