My Secret Eating

by P.J
(USA)

I got up late and ate more than usual and then I chilled on the couch...and then I became more and more lazy. So I just told myself...”Ho ! It's OK. Just eat a little snack and you'll feel better” -- like a little voice or devilish side of myself is in this dark box and then... I eat, I eat the snack, and then go to the fridge and eat other stuff. I look in the pantry and find more to eat and I eat and eat .....until I can’t eat any more...and it's not funny at all because now I feel sick, but I don’t throw up. It always starts out OK, but then I become angry at myself....angriness...disappointment...sadness…..and that keeps going on and on in my life...And of course I ask myself ‘Why am do I do this?”


Inside, really deeply I know the answer...But I’ve given up. When I stuff myself I don’t think of anything. I don’t even think that I’m destroying myself both mentally and physically. I have no energy and I’m too stuffed to think.

Well, I'm explaining all this, but you all are probably aware of what it’s like to be a food addict...But it’s important for me to write about it. This is the first time I’ve actually told my secret eating and it’s good because it gets me thinking.

And as I write this I realize how much time I waste stuffing myself with all this crap and then being so down on myself that I don’t feel like doing anything. I also realize that what I’m doing is not about my problems or my mother, it’s about me. Something inside of me is not complete. Quite frankly, I tried everything to stop stuffing myself, but nothing has worked. I feel depressed about that.

I have a lot of baggage and I took many wrong paths, but in the end, there are no wrong paths, just experiences...I have to remember that. And I also have to remember that I am strong and that I have handled a lot. Right now I want to stop pigging out, but I confess that sometimes, when I’m all alone I look forward to stuffing myself with all the food that is bad for me. It sucks but I feel a lot better now and I thank you.

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Feb 28, 2011
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starstarstarstarstar 		My secret eating
by: Anonymous

Hello PJ,
I have the same problem as yours. Especially, when I am alone and sitting at home all I do is eating. Sometimes, I wonder if I have a food addiction. But what I have observed is that whenever I get depressed I eat a lot and gain weight. I don't like doing excercises. I just want to be slim and healthy the lazy way. Then my friend told me that I should try doing yoga. In the begining, I found doing yoga was also too much for me and was procastinating. Finally, I decided to go yoga studio three time a week which one day was only meditation. after few weeks of doing it, I realized that I was less stressed and don't eat much.
To generalize, every one is differnt but stress also contributes to food craving. So, PJ you might want to do some relaxation excercises. This is just from my personal experience.
Oct 06, 2010
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starstarstarstarstar 		I understand PJ
by: M.E.

Wow, you just expressed a lot of what I am feeling except that I stuff myself and then do throw up. I have been anorexic/bulimic since I was 16. I am now 45. I have had times when it wasn't a problem only to then have an alcohol problem. So, I have been diagnosed w/ dual addiction and chronic depressive disorder.

The darkness you talk about is so all encompassing that I can't verbally explain it accurately. My husband asks my why I cry all the time. Well, it's because the dark hole I am in is so deep that I don't think I will ever be able to climb out of it.

My therapist thinks that there is hope for me. All I know is that I have wasted so much of my life and I have so many regrets that all I want to do is get better so I can at least spend the last years of my life actually living instead of hiding.

This website has encouraged me to write my thoughts. This is the first time I have done it. It does feel good to get it out of my head and into someone else's. :)

Thank you PJ for your post. It pushed mE to finally write a little about myself too.

Take care and good luck. ME

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